My Mom

It is way past my bed time, but Jake has been working his 14hr shifts all week, including yesterday - he wears a uniform and well, yesterday threw me off. He is a pair of pants short...see usually he has 1 pair clean for Mondays, which is when I start my weekly chore list of laundry. I try to avoid laundry on the weekends. Short story long - I am staying up, to get Jake's pants washed so he can begin his SECOND week of 14hr days on his project, in CLEAN pants.

I have been wanting to post about my mom anyway, and I figure, here, in the dark with just the hum of the dryer, I think I can get it all done in one sitting. Well, let me clarify, no paragraph, no blog or amount of click click click on the keyboard will come close to really saying what is in my heart. But, it is a good start.

This is all about her - she is one of the many things I am thankful for, but today she is the only one who makes the blog.

About seven years ago, some very hard times challenged my mom's very core. Her world was shaken beyond belief in ways that I am only beginning to comprehend. At the time I was a newlywed and totally consumed in MY life. I don't remember her falling apart, I don't remember her spirit being shattered, but it was. And as the last seven years have passed I have ridden an emotional roller coaster that few know about. It is something I have kept between me, God, occasionally my two aunts, occasionally my dad and occasionally my husband. More often than not, just me and God would talk about this.

I think a lot of the last seven years would have been altering to our relationship anyway, just based on the dynamic of falling into an adult relationship - but it was challenged with our individual health problems, the distance we physically had and other things that were just part of our individual lives. I think there were many times we were running the same course, but unknowingly. I had moments where I was strong and could see straight and was aware my mom wasn't right, she wasn't happy and I was mad and upset b/c I couldn't figure out why. She never said anything, and so I didn't and well, like mother, like daughter, we just held it all in. Then I had my moments, pure despair and in times like Oct. 2004, all I needed was my mommy and she buckled up her boot straps, got on a plane, came to me, put together, plan in hand and helped get my life back on track. Then we went on, like everything was fine.

We have always been close, I say close, we live far apart and have for over 10yrs. But we talk almost daily...always have. But at some point, I lost the feeling of comfort in my mom's arms, because she seemed different, or so I thought. Maybe it was me...and just when I would get the guts to ask or try to dig at the tension that seemed to be in the room, my "Mom" as I knew her showed up, and into her arms I crawled and all was well. Next visit occurred and my "Mom" was gone, and I was stressed, and on egg shells and didn't know what happened.

I have NEVER talked about this, but I finally feel like I need to get it out. So, I am blogging, and I hope I don't hurt her by writing this, but I am healing, and this is healing me, and US....

So, I am going to keep going.

This past Christmas, I had built up in my head as the perfect holiday, my dad was retired FINALLY no stress!!! We were all going to be together, and in the back of my mind I just figured all the craziness of the years behind would be gone. It just all felt like the beginning of our new family, with Bo here and my new sis in law. It was our FAMILY!!!! I came home disappointed, crushed, exhausted, and totally convinced that God was going to have to do one heck of an overhaul on me or my mom or both and quick, bc I was falling apart at the seams about our relationship. My best friend in the whole world was someone that looked the same physically but was in no way emotionally recognizable. I was hurt, but I was scared. I just wanted my Mom back. I didn't want God to teach me to love this new mom, I didn't know what was different, I didn't care. I was on strike.

I then decided for the first time to just open up to my dad, and I told him I was worried, I was scared, I didn't know the details of what was going on, but something was wrong and I felt like my world was in pieces...and I needed my mommy back and that I didn't know what to tell him to do but that I was going to pray, just stand back and pray b/c I couldn't be around. And so I did, and then I asked another friend to pray, and another. And my conversations with my mom kept happening, every day like usual, but this time, no substance, friendly, but no real emotion. I just prayed in the back ground, and so did others.

I will keep the details private, but things did change with her, my family stepped up and in and God took his MIGHTY hand and surrounded us with peace...and then the plane tickets were booked and a visit was on the horizon and I was SCARED. As I was in the habit of doing...getting my hopes up, then trying to play them down, and basically wondering who would step off the plane (or who would I step off the plane too).

(Man all this background info. just to get to this....sorry)

God is so good, so faithful and so full of love. This last week with my mom was the BEST, the BEST that I can remember, ever. I felt close, I felt like a child at moments, when I wanted to feel like a child and I felt like an adult, which was fun. I felt respected, I felt safe, I felt important, I felt like she was proud. We had fun doing old things that we used to love, like shopping, and doing new things like playing rambunctious games with the kids. I watched my mom roll on the floor with my kids, more than once (for the first time). I watched her laugh, and smile and hug and kiss and I saw joy, pure joy in her. I have missed it so much. I don't know where it went, and I am sure it has been a rough road. And some time, when it is right, maybe she will tell me, but if she doesn't that is okay too. What I know is that she is so blessed and we are so blessed to have her. I cried so hard at Christmas with my Aunt, telling her that I want my kids to know the mom I knew....I could handle whatever God needed me to do to change my expectations (stubbornly, but I would) as long as they could see the fun in her, the joy etc. And you know what, I saw it. For a week I saw a BETTER mom/gma then I remember. I saw someone that I have been praying to see for years. She doesn't know it, but she has been prayed for feverishly for a few years...God is so faithful. He answered my prayers 10fold. And for the first time, in a long time, I cried when she left b/c it was my mommy leaving, not because I was worried about her. I cried b/c I had fun and was going to miss her being here. It was so much better then crying out of fear and sadness. Anna cried too, for the first time and that is what I wanted, b/c I remember how I felt each time I left my gparents in ID, to go back to CA. at Christmas or the summer. I bawled, every time. They were so fun and so loving, I hated leaving Grandad Bo. And when I Anna cried I remembered how I felt all those years ago and I thought "that is it!, she is sad b/c her fun, joyful, spoiling, amazing gma is leaving!" Wow - God is amazing.

And mom, I know you read this and I want to tell you that I love you and I am so proud for the changes you have made in your life, the decisions to walk away from stressful things, the courage you have to face your demons (we all have them) - the faith you have in God that pushes you forward. Thank you for not giving up, thank you for listening to us when we said you were in a bad place and that we wanted you back. You are loved more then you know by us, and that doesn't even touch the love God has for you. So, thank you for being my Mommy, my friend, my adult mentor, my kids gma. I cherish and hold in my hear the week we spent together and pray that it is the first of many and that they only get better. And maybe you and I can work on our "talking about how we feel" together. We are so much alike (down to our bra size, heehee). I would be lost without you, totally lost....and I thought I had lost you and I am glad God decided that it wasn't time yet. I feel like he gave you back to me, even better then when you "left".

I know this was a totally personal blog, but this is my journal, I feel safe here. I know most of who reads this consistently are those that are my dearest friends, and are those that have been praying. And I thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart!

And no thankful blog would be complete without actually writing out a list of 10, right?

1. My mom never made me give up my blanket, it no longer travels with me, but when at home I still sleep with it, it reminds me of being a child, being with my parents, it is comforting and I am really thankful (cheezy as it sounds) that she allowed me to keep it.

2. My mom's financial smarts and the amazing amount of progress she has made towards helping to educate me without making me feel like I failed...she has to walk a hard line b/t being my mom and a financial adviser and she catches herself and I appreciate that. I trust her and I have learned and even if it takes Jake taking up for me, convincing her I have changed my ways, she has come to a point where I think she just might believe she got through to me!

3. My mom's willingness to meet any and all of my friends and chat with them like they were her own. She likes to know all about them and to me that means she cares who I surround myself with, even now. I love feeling comfortable and proud to introduce her to anyone too...

4. Watching her take on her role as grandma. We don't get long spurts of time, but having her here, in our domain was fun. To see her take interest in Anna's antics - cleaning her little house, playing dress up, picking her up from school...I can tell that Anna relishes every bit of attention she gets from Gma, and for good reason - she is very loved by her gma

5. My mom's garlic bread

6. My mom's generosity when it comes to chores, little things like ironing a shower curtain, tacking a shirt for me. I know she doesn't enjoy doing those things, but she knows I don't either and so she "serves" and "gives" and I appreciate it, see I still NEED my mommy

7. Our shared OBSESSION with Starbucks, or coffee for that matter, how we can laugh when all that we have been through with our weight and kids and not having lived in the same house forever, and we have both changed bra sizes, yet got sized and though very different then our last trip together some 5 yrs ago, are still the same size....our love for pedicures, manicures, massages, shopping, purses, shoes - you get the picture. Two peas in a pod and I bet in another year, it will be three b/c Anna is not far behind in the shopping department.

8. I am thankful that she stopped having kids after my brother so I could be her girl, her 1 girl. I like that...I LOVE that. For so many reasons. It is hard to explain....

9. I am thankful that as I look back at my childhood, even though my mom was a working mom, I was never in day care, she was at all my soccer games, or practices, she made sure she had dinner on the table for us. She did more for us then I do now and she worked as a CPA. The older I get the more in AWE I am, b/c I just couldn't and can't do it. I would be institutionalized.

10. Knowing that I am loved by her, no matter what. Do you know how many kids wonder if their parents love them? Or wonder what they have to do to earn it, or what could they do better? We have had, I have had moments of craziness - but you know what, at ANY and I mean ANY point in my life if you asked me if my mom loved me, I would have and will say yes. And if you asked me how I knew, I would say, I just do - like it is so obvious, I have never wondered, not for a nanosecond. If I can only take one thing away from my parents, it would be the ability to provide that stability and that unconditional love for my children - may they never ever have a moment where they wonder.

And so today, is my MOTHER's Day. I love you mom, and I am proud of all that you have done, every day of your life, for me, for my family, for our family - thanks for coming back to me. I can't wait to see you again. I have missed you!!!